When I was recovering from my last surgery, I was out of work for the first six weeks. In that time, I got to watch a LOT of late night TV, mainly because the pain medication had the puzzling side-effect of making me drowsy yet also unable to fall asleep.
For anyone that's ever stayed up past 1 am with the TV on, you are more than aware that during this time period, you can't go more than two channels without running into some asshole trying to sell you some "REVOLUTIONARY, NEVER BEFORE SEEN, LAB TESTED, MIRACULOUS" product.
The claims range from the ridiculous to the ludicrous (I knew that thesaurus would come in handy some day). My personal favorite, without question, is 8 Minute Abs. This one promises a washboard stomach in only 8 minutes a day.
This begs the question: Why eight minutes?
Why not seven?
In addition to the miracle exercise tapes, there are also countless ads for exercise gizmos and widgets that will transform your body without all of that senseless exercise and diet. Like the latest one, the Shake Weight:
If this is a joke, it's not funny.
Bob is smiling because he's stealing your money!
I bet that smug bastard Bob isn't grinning now.
The Shake Weight is the most recent in a long line of exercise gadgets that are presented with a lot of sizzle but little steak, like the Ab Lounger, the Ab Slide, and the Ab Vortex (OK, I made that last one up).
They almost always offer a money-back guarantee, but they are betting that you won't want to have to go through the hassle of boxing up and returning the useless piece of crap that's now lying in your closet for the measly $40 or $50 you spent on it.
The advertisers seduce you into thinking you can get in great shape by being lazy, and then, when you don't see results and end up using the thing as a clothesline, keep your money by capitalizing on said laziness. It's a brilliant, albeit shameless and borderline unethical, business strategy.
The supplement industry is just as, if not more, culpable (chalk up one more to Mr. Thesaurus).
The sleaziest of the sleazy, supplement companies are willing to tell you that you can lose weight, get stronger, improve your heart health, think more clearly, perform better, reverse aging, and yes, even grow a larger member:
Bob is smiling because he's stealing your money!
The great thing about being in the supplement business is that your products don't actually have to do a damn thing. Unlike pharmaceuticals, the FDA doesn't regulate supplement companies, so they are, for the most part, operating outside the law.
Notice I said, for the most part:
I bet that smug bastard Bob isn't grinning now.
I guess you could point to this as a win for the consumer, but there are so many other outlandish claims being made that it's hard to feel too enthused about one snake oil salesman ending up in the clink.
Everything from fat loss pills to simple protein powder is touted as something you'd be an absolute fool to go without. They'll tell you their pill will help you burn 43202% more fat (than what?), their powder will make you gain 14.89021 lbs of muscle in 2 weeks, and their fish oil will turn you into a Power Ranger.
This is just marketing. The fact is, 99% of supplements either don't do anything useful at all, or they seriously fail to achieve the standards set forth in their advertising. But the bigger the claim, the more likely you are to pay top dollar for something that can be purchased from another company for a lot less money.
What's so HARDCORE about protein powder?
Despite this, there are some useful supplements out there.
Fish oil is good for many things, including improving blood lipid levels and slightly easing joint soreness. The effects are very slight though. Damn stuff doesn't do a thing for my hip.
Protein powder and meal replacements can be useful if you have little time to prepare meals or have a hard time getting enough protein in your diet. It's just food though, not a wunderkind powder that will turn you into the Hulk.
Plain old creatine will help improve strength to a slight degree as long as you take it religiously. It also causes you to retain water, so women generally don't like it.
Fat loss/energy pills can help ease some of the discomfort that comes with low calorie diets, like hunger pangs and lack of energy. They are also useful for getting an extra bit of energy before your workouts.
Folks, there is no easy way to get the body of your dreams if your idea of easy is just swallowing a pill in between handfuls of pretzels. There is no easy way to work out if your idea of working out is to lay on some contraption for 5 minutes and call it a day.
The advertisers are *GASP* LYING TO YOU! They don't give a crap if you get results, as long as they get paid.
Unless you were born with awesome genes, your path to a great body will be paved with a lot of hard work and discipline.
In our fast food, "I want results YESTERDAY" culture, that's a pretty unpopular notion. "Work hard and eat right" just doesn't sell. It's too simple, and it's too freaking hard.
To summarize and close -
This works:
It's also fun when you see the results.
This doesn't:
There no words for my amusement. Not even Mr. Thesaurus can help.
You gotta earn it.
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